I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
