Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
