I could have mohawked her pubes.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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