we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
