Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
