Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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