You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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