i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
