I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
