why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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