My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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