I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
