do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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