I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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