She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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