I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
