I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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