I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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