Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
