If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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