I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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