things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
