The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
