Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize