Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
