Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
