i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
