I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
