Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
