Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
