Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
