I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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