I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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