Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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