dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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