that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
