ugly people sure do ruin things
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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