I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
