i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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