I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
