I'm gonna have a badass scar
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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