Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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