Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
