My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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