Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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