i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
