fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Even my vagina gasped.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
