I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
