things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just blew my weed a kiss
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
