Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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