i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
