Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
