She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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