I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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