literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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