win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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