The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
